Almost 30 years ago, I was born and became a grandchild to this man. I became his second grandchild and his very first granddaughter. I remained to be his only granddaughter for the first 17 years of my life, until one of my six uncles had a daughter. There is something unique and special about being the only granddaughter and grandchild to this man. He was a sweet man, a kind man, a very generous man and one of those kinds of men who got you to toughen up too.I pretty much grew up with my grandpa. The first 8 years of my life my mom was a single mom, which meant she worked like crazy to provide for us, while I spent my days after school hanging with my papa. If I remember the story right, we lived with him during my first few years of life. I remember him always saying, "You were always screaming your head off." That was me.
As I got older I used to follow my grandpa almost anywhere. He would pick me up from school in his green truck. Boy, how I can remember the look and the smell of that truck. It is all too familiar and it was so safe to me. The way it changed gears had that squeak to it. The way we would load it up with groceries after our big buys at the commissary, or how I would sit and wait in the truck while he went in to buy his favorite liquor (I believe it was vodka then) or how we could be parked outside of Fred Meyer's and he would whistle or comment to a pretty lady passing by...you know how men can do? I found it charming and a bit embarrassing back then. I used to ask him, "Do you know her?" He would reply, "no, but I would like to get to know her." It's the kind of trait that my lovely uncle Al has picked up and made it all his own.
I loved being at my grandpa's house. There were always my favorite foods in the fridge, freezer or cabinets. Back then it was Tony's frozen pepperoni pizzas, spaghettio’s with hotdogs, Doritos and ice cream treats, oh yeah and kool-aid. It was all the junk food a kid loved. My grandpa made sure he was stocked up when I was around. There I would run the streets with my cousin Marques and our neighborhood friends. We would have basketball tournaments with each other, races on the block, you name it. My papa would be in his yard, perfecting every inch of it. Then in the fall and late evenings you could smell the mulch burning in the backyard. He was particular about his yard. I think him and his next door neighbors (The Weber's) were having a secret competition about who had the nicest yard. My grandpa won, that's for sure!
My grandpa had a bad hip and so he walked with a cain. Sometimes when we got home from school, I would run inside, ahead of him, and steal quarters out of this old coffee mug he had. I would fill my pockets with as many quarters as I could get before he came around the corner. As soon as I saw him approaching I would run out the back door and stay outside all day with fear that he caught me and was waiting to chastise me. You are probably wondering why I would steal quarters from my grandpa. Well, I took the quarters because I wanted to be able to buy candy, specifically snickers, at the Boys & Girls Club later that evening. I am sure he would have given me the money had I asked....Sorry papa!
As the years went on my grandpa's health started to deteriorate due to too many years of drinking and smoking. He stopped drinking and smoking a little too late in the game. As a result he moved home to my parents where my mom devoted her every waking moment and even some sleeping moments to my grandpa. He had dialysis three times a week along with rehab and whatever else would come up through the ups and downs of his health. He needed a kidney transplant but unfortunately he wasn't a likely candidate...you know; health, age etc. Well, over the past years he has had some tough situations; infections, a hip replacement, amputation of toes, you name it. But nevertheless he pulled through. He fought and I was grateful to have him just a little bit longer. I could never fathom my world without him in it. I know leaving this world is part of the horrible things of this world; it’s a part of life. I mean we live everyday getting closer to our last day... It is inevitable but I still can't get my mind around it. I just figured God would allow my family to live forever.
However, Thursday, this past Thanksgiving, my grandpa had a tummy ache. This tummy ache forced them to stop his dialysis and for him to go to the hospital instead to check out what was causing this forbidden pain. The doctors ran test, did their doctor “thing” and they realized he had some clots.My mom said that my grandpa just wanted the pain to stop. He thanked God and was brave while being wheeled into the operating room. They tried to save him, remove it. But they couldn't. My grandpa was gone. Just like that. This strong, humble man I once knew was gone. Just like that, in a blink.
To top it all off, I am way over here, on the other side of the frickin' Atlantic. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to tell him I was sorry for stealing quarters from him 20 + years ago. I didn't get to look into those sweet eyes that show you into his heart, one last time. I didn't get to say I love you and kiss his sweaty forehead or his stubby cheek.
When I think back on it all... I spoke to him on Sunday the 23rd, his 77th birthday. We exchanged words, chuckles, anticipation of seeing each other next month and "I love you’s". But this time, he said, "I love you sweetheart, you know that right?" I said of course I know that. He never usually asks me that. Did he know, then? I'm left wondering...
One thing is for sure, I will miss him SO much!
My dearest papa, I will always be your sweetheart. I will always love you. If you were here I would repay you for every quarter I took. However, I am not really sure how many I took. We could say a couple dollars worth and call it even...how does that sound? My heart is aching with thoughts of never being able to touch you again or put you through Karissa boot camp... you know the training and the coaching we did with your rehab exercises. I am saddened by the fact that I didn't get to see your face, your smile one last time. I am saddened by the fact that my once whole family is missing this HUGE part, you! Because of you I am here, in this world. I love you papa, more than I have ever managed to say and I thank you papa for all you have given me!
Forever loving you,
Your sweetheart Karissa
