My Cup Runneth Over

I am at wits end. (And let me just say, while I am writing this post I am eating spoonfuls of Nutella). These past few weeks have been challenging for me. Not so much physically but most definitely mentally. The worst part of it all my kids are getting the worst part of it.

So, what's going on? Life I guess you can say. And really I only have myself, and Mattias of course to blame. I am studying full time, meaning class almost everyday from about 8am-5pm. And not only am I going to class but so is Aleksander. Yes, you read right. The past 3 weeks Aleksander has been going to school with me. Which means on the days that we start at 8:15 am, Aleksander and I have to be out the door by 7:45am at the latest. Mattias has been working full time with a lot of 9am-7pm shifts, UGH! Which means when school is out for me, I pick up Enzo, come home, engage with the kids, cook dinner, do bedtime, clean, and then try and do school work.

Why is all this so challenging? Well, imagine having a 5 month old with you at school just about everyday. It's really not him. I mean he has been super, in concerns to what you can expect from a baby. He usually sits, talks a bit and doesn't demand so much. But these past two days have been hell for both him and myself. He is at the age where everything is quite fascinating and his curiousity keeps him alert. In other words, he has a really hard time falling asleep at school...all the lights, all the voices etc. Being at school and taking most of your naps in your stroller isn't ideal. It seems just about the time he falls asleep he is awake again. So, what I am spelling out here is a tired baby. His sleep routines have flown out the window and it has left me with an overtired baby the past few days. My once happy and content baby was a restless and unsatisfied baby today. Not to mention the hour of crying he has to let out every evening before he can fall asleep. Today, I put him down at 5pm because I knew he was exhausted and he didn't fall asleep until a little after 6pm...with after shocks up to a half hour after that. Heartwrenching, I know.

And then there is Enzo. He has been going to school and enjoying himself lately but he has not been napping at school when they have nap time. Yes, he still usually naps. He doesn't need to nap everyday but every other day is quite necessary. I know, he is almost four and still napping. But if he doesn't nap, I either get a wired kid or a whiny kid or even worse a combination of the two...which seems to be the popular choice lately. This is exactly what I have been picking up from school the past few weeks. It's exhausting. I get so pissed at him because all he needs to do at nap time is close his beautiful eyes and sleep but No. Instead he rather be overtired and grumpy. Not fun.

The worst part of it all I get so worked up about this. It frustrates me that my baby can't get the rest he needs and deserves because he has to hang with me at school. And then Enzo, I get so frustrated that he too isn't getting the sleep he needs. Because he is so tired when we get home he is in bed by 7pm. Which has now led to him waking up around 6 am, shoot me! And not only does he wake us up by calling our name but it then wakes up Aleksander who really isn't ready to start his day. And then the cycle repeats itself.

This leaves me feeling horrible. Like I am failing as a parent, as a mom. My job for Aleksander is to love him, nourish him, protect him and create environments for him so he can relax and sleep and this stands true for Enzo too. But I am not doing my job.

And because I am ultimately frustrated with myself and the situation I get mad at them. When Enzo starts his whining I immediately inform him that this wouldn't be happening had he slept at school. I mean he can start crying over the silliest things...like tonight, he was crying over the fact that his apple was wet. Aleksander, I let him cry it out because I get so frustrated that he is so, so tired and yet he can't just fall asleep now that we are at home.

I swear I thought I was losing my mind the other day. One change will soon be occuring. When this semester is over in January, I will be taking a break from school to take care of my family. I always said when the demands of school started to affect not just me but the family then I had to take a break. So that's just what I am going to do. Yes! I am excited!

Ok, I think I have vented. I feel a little bit better. Hopefully we'll all look back at this one day and laugh. Because at the end of it all...will it really have mattered?